Monday, January 14, 2013

Tinkering with Line Breaks

We've talked a little about line breaks (for instance, how you can use them to build suspense and double-meanings) but there are probably as many subtly different philosophies on this as... well, as there are poems.  Ultimately, how you structure your poems is up to you.  Still, one way to get a better feel for line breaks (and help you establish your own aesthetic) is to take a published, “established” poem, change the line breaks, then compare the different versions and ask, in our own subjective opinion, what's gained or lost.  It's also a good way to see how even tiny changes can affect the overall feel of a poem.  By way of illustration, let’s take a look at a few poems from The Good Thief then compare them to some other versions that have all the same language and punctuation but different line breaks.

Part of Eve's Discussion (original)
by Marie Howe

It was like the moment when a bird decides not to eat from your hand,
and flies, just before it flies, the moment the rivers seem to still
and stop because a storm is coming, but there is no storm, as when
a hundred starlings lift and bank together before they wheel and drop,
very much like the moment, driving on bad ice, when it occurs to you
your car could spin, just before it slowly begins to spin, like
the moment just before you forgot what it was you were about to say,
it was like that, and after that, it was still like that, only
all the time.


Part of Eve's Discussion (non-Howe version 1)

It was like the moment when a bird
decides not to eat from your hand, and flies,
just before it flies, the moment the rivers
seem to still and stop because a storm is coming,
but there is no storm, as when a hundred starlings
lift and bank together before they wheel
and drop, very much like the moment,
driving on bad ice, when it occurs to you
your car could spin, just before it slowly begins
to spin, like the moment just before you forgot
what it was you were about to say, it was
like that, and after that, it was still
like that, only all the time.






Part of Eve's Discussion (non-Howe version 2)

It was like the moment
when a bird decides not to eat
from your hand,
and flies, just before it flies,
the moment the rivers
seem to still and stop
because a storm is coming,
but there is no storm,
as when a hundred starlings
lift and bank together
before they wheel and drop,
very much like the moment,
driving on bad ice,
when it occurs to you
your car could spin, just before
it slowly begins to spin,
like the moment just before
you forgot what it was
you were about to say,
it was like that, and after that,
it was still like that, only
all the time.

Providing for Each Other (original version)
by Marie Howe

You are the one who takes it all away.
For one moment, the leaning oaks are gone, and the tall grass
where the small birds practice their incoherence.

I know but for your fingers I would lie awake
and what the barter is for their articulate flight,
the agreement we make at night,

our guttural wail the only song for the end of the world,
before we begin blinking on again,

blinking, blinking, when the room comes back
and from the dark barn the lambs cry.





Providing for Each Other (non-Howe version)
by Marie Howe

You are the one
who takes it
all away. For one moment,
the leaning oaks
are gone, and the tall grass
where the small birds practice
their incoherence. I know
but for your fingers
I would lie
awake and what the barter is
for their articulate flight,
the agreement
we make at night,
our guttural wail the only
song for the end of the world,
before we begin blinking
on again, blinking,
blinking, when the room
comes back and from
the dark barn the lambs cry.








Recovery (original version)
by Marie Howe

You have decided to live. This is your fifth
day living. Hard to sleep. Harder to eat,

the food thick on your tongue, as I watch you,
my own mouth moving.

Is this how they felt after the flood? The floor
a mess, the garden ruined,

the animals insufferable, cooped up so long?
So much work to be done.

The sodden dresses. Houses to be built.
Wood to be dried and driven and stacked. Nails!

The muddy roses. So much muck about. Hard walking.
And still a steady drizzle,

the sun like a morning moon, and all of them grumpy
and looking at each other in that new way.

We walk together, slowly, on this your fifth day
and you, occasionally, glimmer with a light

I’ve never seen before. It frightens me,
this new muscle in you, flexing.

I had the crutches ready. The soup simmering.
But now it is as we thought.

Can we endure it, the rain finally stopped?



Recovery (non-Howe version #1)
by Marie Howe

You have decided to live. This is your fifth day living. Hard to sleep. Harder to eat, the food thick on your tongue, as I watch you, my own mouth moving. Is this how they felt after the flood? The floor a mess, the garden ruined, the animals insufferable, cooped up so long? So much work to be done. The sodden dresses. Houses to be built. Wood to be dried and driven and stacked. Nails! The muddy roses. So much muck about. Hard walking. And still a steady drizzle, the sun like a morning moon, and all of them grumpy and looking at each other in that new way. We walk together, slowly, on this your fifth day and you, occasionally, glimmer with a light I’ve never seen before. It frightens me, this new muscle in you, flexing. I had the crutches ready. The soup simmering. But now it is as we thought. Can we endure it, the rain finally stopped?

Recovery (non-Howe version #2)
by Marie Howe

You have decided
to live.
This is your fifth day living. Hard
to sleep. Harder to eat,
the food
thick on your tongue,
as I watch you, my own mouth
moving.

Is this how they felt after the flood?

The floor a mess, the garden ruined, the animals
insufferable, cooped up so long?

So much work to be done. The sodden dresses.
Houses to be built. Wood to be dried
and driven and stacked.
Nails!

The muddy roses. So much muck about.
Hard walking.
And still a steady drizzle,
the sun

like a morning moon,

and all of them grumpy
and looking at each other
in that new way.
We walk together, slowly, on this
your fifth day
and you, occasionally,

glimmer with a light I’ve never seen before.

It frightens me,
this new muscle in you, flexing. I had
the crutches ready. The soup
simmering.

But now it is
as we thought. Can we
endure it,
the rain finally stopped?


Assignment: try this out for yourself.  Choose one of the poems from The Good Thief and implement your own spacing and line breaks.  Don’t spend too much time thinking about it; just follow your first impulse and see what you come up with.

3 comments:

  1. Keeping Still (Janelle Lemish Alternation)
    If late at
    night,
    when watching the
    moon,
    you still
    sometimes
    get vertigo,
    it’s understandable
    that you wish
    suddenly
    and hard
    for fences, for someone
    to marry you.
    Desiring
    a working knowledge,
    needing to know
    some context by heart,
    you might
    accept anything:
    the room without windows,
    the far and frozen North,
    or the prairie,
    the prairie
    even, if it means
    that.
    The long
    wide
    space and cold
    dirt that will not
    be seduced into hills,
    and the dust, that
    even after
    you have kicked
    and wept
    and fallen on it pounding,
    will not produce a tree.
    It will allow you
    to rise with certainty and
    move with the relief
    of necessary things
    to the wash on the line,
    to the small maple
    you brought here
    that must be tied
    for the winter or die.
    Even the prairie night,
    blind with snow,
    when no one comes,
    and you
    no longer look
    to the mirror
    but force your fingers to
    the stitching
    and produce a child
    to help with the
    lambing
    and the carrying of water.
    Although it might be
    years
    before you turn and stop,
    startled
    by the sweet and sudden
    smell of sheets snapping
    in the sun,
    and the drunken lilac,
    prairie purple,
    blooming by the doorway,
    because
    you planted it.

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  2. Here is Dave's (he typed it on my computer in class) and then mine:


    Guests

    You
    are at a cocktail party
    talking to
    someone who is
    skewering a
    small hot dog with a toothpick when
    you
    see the dead
    peeking out of
    the pantry, motioning to
    you.

    Your partner, looking up, just
    Misses your raised eyebrows and the
    small wave that has ended in
    your hand
    pushing through
    your hair.
    You say, “Suddenly, I have a headache,
    I need
    a glass of water.”

    and head through the
    pantry door
    where the hostess emerges
    carrying a tray and
    announcing a game
    of charades.
    You
    allow her to
    pass, then step
    through the empty
    pantry to the kitchen
    where the cook and three older
    uncles are sitting
    around the kitching
    table talking.

    They say,
    ”Sit down,
    sit down,
    the party’s in here.”
    You
    laugh, but
    decline and
    go to the kitchen door where
    you
    hear something
    scratching to get in.

    You
    open it to admit
    the cat that walks in
    precise steps to
    its bowl and eats.
    Outside,
    the snow is falling like
    teeming arrows to the pavement and
    piling up.
    A sudden roar
    Of laughter comes
    from the living room.

    Many people
    are calling
    your name.
    They want
    you
    On their team.
    The men at the table are rising.
    You
    join them, passing
    by the cook and the cat
    that never
    looks up from its dinner.

    -----------------------

    What the Angels Left

    At first, the scissors seemed perfectly harmless. They lay on the kitchen table in the blue light. Then I began to notice them all over the house, at night in the pantry, or filling up bowls in the cellar where there should have been apples. They appeared under rugs, lumpy places where one would usually settle before the fire, or suddenly shining in the sink at the bottom of soupy water. Once, I found a pair in the garden, stuck in turned dirt among the new bulbs, and one night, under my pillow, I felt something like a cool long tooth and pulled them out to lie next to me in the dark. Soon after that I began to collect them, filling boxes, old shopping bags, every suitcase that I owned. I grew slightly uncomfortable when company came. What if someone noticed them when looking for forks or replacing dried dishes? I long to throw them out, but how could I get rid of something that felt oddly like grace? It occurred to me finally that I was meant to use them, and I resisted a growing compulsion to cut my hair, although, in moments of great distraction, I thought it was my eyes they wanted, or my soft belly - exhausted, in winter, I laid them out on the lawn. The snow felt quite usual, without any apparent hesitation or discomfort. In spring, as I expected, they were gone. In their place, a slight metallic smell, and the dear muddy earth.

    ReplyDelete
  3. Very interesting to see how different brains reshape the same clay. Thanks for posting these!

    ReplyDelete